How Much Can A Conversation Help You?

We love to talk and have a conversation with everyone around us, these connect us and can be healing too, for all those involved.

Though, in my personal experience and that of my clients, family and friends we just talk about the superficial stuff and take everything else for granted OR we think others won’t care.

I used to withhold and be shallow and superficial in my conversations, they didn’t take me far and almost cost me my life.

I felt alone, lonely, unwanted and a burden to my family and society, but everyone thought I was fine and just another moody teenager.

The day after my suicide attempt that withholding stopped and I opened up, I spoke to someone about my life and how I felt.

That conversation without a shadow of a doubt saved my life, I learned people cared and they’d do whatever they can to help… all that is needed is for us to open up.

Why am I going on about this?

This year I have made myself the commitment to be there for everyone I know and to make new friends.

Today a friend phoned me and asked me round so I went and we had such a great conversation that lasted for hours.

What was great about this conversation was the generosity and honesty of every word spoken, we just had a real and open conversation.

We didn’t pretend to be anyone else but ourselves, we didn’t have to mind our every word and openly would disagree with each other without arguing about it.

That honesty and openness opened a gate of compliments and kindness and love that you don’t see every day.

Here is what we fail to do in our conversations, we are (or can be) very stingy and inauthentic… these create blockages and barriers that stop the real communication and there is almost no real content to it all.

It was a great reminder of the magic that takes place when we openly, honestly and humanly talk to another person AND the connection it strengthens, and the feeling afterwards is so rewarding.

Talking about ourselves can be scary and awkward at first but over time it gets easier to openly talk about what is worrying us and our concerns, and problems.

I invite you to have more open and honest conversations with your loved ones, and please let me know how these enrich your lives. Give it a go.

Till next time, with all my love,

Jorge

You cannot NOT communicate

You cannot NOTcommunicate

We are always communicating, in fact, we communicate in ALL possible ways and always, whether we want it or not!

The presupposition “You cannot communicate”, I first learned when I was doing my NLP Practitioner Training a few years ago.

We are always in communication

If we are always communicating, then how do we do it?

There are three areas we tend to communicate: through language (verbal), non-verbal (physiology) and intonation (how we say things).

When we look at each one of these areas individually, we speak on a regular basis, we use the language we know to express our ideas, feelings, needs and wants. Though, sometimes we use the “wrong” word and the meaning of the whole sentence changes and we are misunderstood. Causing awkward moments and possibly costing us more than we anticipated.

Does it sound familiar?

The non-verbal aspect is what some people call body-language, what we are saying with our body, face, eyes, etc.

Just imagine you are having a conversation with a man/woman you find attractive, they ask you if you “fancy” them, your face goes beetroot red and you start sweating as you reply emphatically NO!

Would they believe you? Is your body in congruence with what is being said?

Are you “believable” enough?

Lastly, the intonation of the words we choose, if we say we are confident in a very low and shy voice, would we sound confident?

Next time you have a conversation I invite you try it out for yourself. Say things that are incongruent with your body language and with the way you say it. (Please, try this out in a safe environment, as it could potentially upset people)

Equally, reinforce what you are saying with your body and the intonation of what you are saying.

How can this help you?

If you are like me, I imagine you are wondering how this can help you?

We are social animals, even if you don’t see yourself as the social type of person, you are.

If you don’t believe me, we do it that often that if we aren’t talking to someone we talk to ourselves! And boy, do we do this all the time or what?

So, going back to the benefits of knowing how to communicate effectively, which has been the main and core message of this blog are:

  • Enhancing and improving communication: being congruent with your words and actions.
  • Establishing rapport in half the time: when you are in alignment with your words and actions people feel comfortable around you, they start to get to know you, like you and trust you way faster than when you aren’t congruent with what you say and what you do.
  • Improves intuition: the more you practice communicating congruently, the easier you can “read” people, you learn to listen to people, what they say and how they say.
  • Improves your listening skills: I am sure you have heard the phrase; we have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason… well that becomes more apparent when we learn to communicate better.
  • You are more present: when you know and realise you are always communicating, whether you want it or not, you start to be more present in your life, your communications and for people, giving you results and relationships you never thought were possible.

Becoming a better communicator isn’t difficult it takes practice and commitment.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s post and please let me know in the comments box of any experiences you’ve had when you’ve communicated effectively or when you weren’t congruent with what you were saying.

Till next time, with all my love,

 

Jorge

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You’ll Never Guess What Happened To Me Today…!

You’ll Never Guess What Happened To Me Today…!

 

We are constantly being triggered, all the time, by different events, people, memories; pretty much anything.

But, what happens when you are unaware of these triggers?

What is a trigger?

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Before I go any further, I will explain what a “trigger” is, it is a stimulus that gets a “reaction” from us.

For example, if we hear a song we used to listen decades ago, that song has the potential to make us relive those past experiences; it is that powerful.

We are surrounded by these triggers, some we are conscious about and others, well, we aren’t as conscious, which means they affect us and we don’t know about it.

When we aren’t aware of these triggers, we don’t know how they affect us or what is causing that reaction; so, there is nothing we can do about it.

On the other hand, things change when you know what “triggers” you; you have choices as to whether you react to them or not!

You’ll never guess what happened to me today…!

You probably got it!

I was “triggered” by someone…

How did it react???

At first I did my very best to avoid saying anything, I don’t feel I have to tell everyone that their actions or words have an impact on me and in me.

Things do change, however, when after a while your body starts to respond to these triggers.

It is at this point I choose to let the other person know what is happening.

That is exactly what happened today.

I was on the phone speaking to someone, his voice loud and gets to you, that is by-the-by BTW; this person also uses very negative language, which doesn’t resonate very well with me.

I should also add I am this person’s client and therefore I feel and believe my opinion matters, especially if I am paying for a service.

So, we were on the phone for over 30 minutes, this person gave me all the possible negative scenarios; as an individual I care more about options than “problems”.

Then, I started to get a headache (I never do!), my body was tensing up, I was grinding my teeth and my voice was being raised gradually as the conversation continued…

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I stopped and said: are you open to feedback?

He said yes!

So, I said: could you please use a different language when you speak to me, you have no idea how such “negativity” affects me and I feel I should tell you as we do business together, and it is the least I can so this relationship isn’t affected by it.

His response?

I am sorry (in a non-apologetic manner), and very little was accomplished.

He continued to apologise saying he can’t change the way he is.

To which I replied, you do not have to change, on the contrary, I don’t want you to change, I want you to know how the language you use at times affects me; and you never know, other people may feel the same way too, they just don’t say it, they aren’t as honest as I am!

The reason I share this with you today is because it doesn’t matter how much you work on yourself or the amount of personal development you do, there will always be things that “annoy” you and “irritate” you.

I was relieved I shared my “emotions” with this person because that way he knows how to best communicate with me next time. Had I not told him the way I felt I would have continued to dislike interacting with him, “hating” every second spent together and ultimately the relationship would have suffered and/or ended.

I will be sleeping very well tonight because I did what was best for both parties, I expressed my concerns and the way it was affecting me.

Do I feel bad for sharing my thoughts?

Absolutely NOT.

Why?

It would have cost me much more in the long run; it could have manifested itself in so many ways I don’t want explore and these ways go way beyond the mental aspect, they could have the potential to affect me physically in the future too.

Even to this moment I still have a headache from that conversation because I let it go longer than it should have gone.

So, just imagine what years and years of neglecting these triggers can do to you physically and mentally?

I hope you have enjoyed today’s blog post, don’t forget to like, comment and share.

With lots of love,

 

Jorge

Core Values

Core Values

Where do they come from?

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Recently, I witnessed something that provoked this question, where do our core values come from?

I was at a local coffee shop (being healthy I promise, and no it is not a pink elephant), and I saw the following:

An older brother (teenager), was in this shop with his two younger brothers, he asked for their food to go (to not pay the tax), and then he sat in to eat with this brothers.

Here is the thing I found the most fascinating, his younger brother said: but you said we’d eat it on the go, what about paying the extra money to sit in.

I could not believe my ears. I felt so proud of that little boy, acting with such integrity at such young age.

Although, I understand that our values are the total sum of all the experiences we’ve had, that we filter this information accordingly, and that we are programmed (by those around us BTW) between the ages of 0-6.

I totally get that, seriously.

But, then this raised this question in my head (dangerous place to be!).

Do we choose to behave unethically when at heart we know what is right and what isn’t?

I will give you some examples.

Stealing. We know it is wrong. Though, people choose to do it. There is nothing wrong with asking for something or help.

Being unpunctual. We know it can have some consequences. Though, people are late (I refer to those who do it ALL the time). Why can’t they plan better? We have tons of resources available nowadays.

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There are other scenarios you can imagine, where the solution is pretty obvious; yet we choose not to do it.

What drives this I do not know.

Though, I still believe at heart, that people make excuses to avoid taking control of their actions, it then becomes a vicious circle of which they can’t get out of.

Then, that cycle strengthens making it even more challenging to break it.

So, what can we do as a society when we notice someone is acting against our values?

How can we educate these “offenders” so there is harmony all around us.

I invite you take a look around you and see what you can notice; watching people making decisions is fascinating and mesmerising at the same time.

I hope you have enjoyed this read.

Please, leave a comment, let me know your thoughts, I welcome them.

My love.

From my heart to yours,

 

Jorge

Life & Work Balance

Life & Work Balance

Is there such thing?

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Before I get started, I will challenge myself to keep this blog short, as I think my blogs are a bit loooong. -Wish me luck!

So, life and work balance. Is it possible?

The answer is yes.

Really simple.

I have been very lucky that I have had great mentors that have taught me a great deal as I was growing up.

If you don’t see your family as often as you’d like to, and all you see is your boss and colleagues. Do you think that is having a positive effect in your life?

Likewise, if you can’t separate your personal “stuff” from your work “stuff”, and you end up taking your personal life to work. Does that look like a balanced situation to you?

Quite frankly I have learned that when you want to be at home with your family, you will make it happen.

Equally, if you want to give your best at work, you will not let your personal life interfere with your work.

What I am getting at here is, we achieve this balance if we really want to.

I know this may sound really controversial.

Though, when you really want something you will find the time, money and energy to make it happen.

In my 20’s when I had one of those things they call JOBS (just-over-broke), I noticed that work was coming home with me and having an impact in my relationship.

At that moment I knew I had to do something else, so I changed jobs.

After that, I also fell out of love with my other just-over-broke (JOB), so I went self-employed.

And,

I lived happily ever after (kidding, – actually I am happy hehe).

I also learned to compartmentalise areas of my life, so work at work, love life at home etc., so whenever they crossed over, I knew there was an issue.

You see, it is not difficult.

You want a work/life balance?

Guess what?

You make it happen.

The options are endless; it is up to you. You make it happen or you don’t.

Yay. I did it!

I hope you have enjoyed, as always I look forward to hearing from you.

With all my love.

From my heart you yours,

 

Jorge

Telling Your Story To The World

Telling Your Story To The World

Sharing Your Gift

 

When I was growing up, back in Panama City, I genuinely thought I had nothing to offer to the world, no value to add, in essence I felt I was worth nothing and whether I did something or nothing at all, it would have not made any difference in the world.

I understand there are many people who feel the same way I once felt, for those of you, do not worry, the best is yet to come; the only thing you must do is to work on yourself and believe that what you do and who you are matter.

So, now, I know different, I know that it doesn’t matter where you are from, what you know, what you do or who you are, all of that matters, you know why? Because you matter, you are important and, awesome J.

I put it out there, just in case no one has mentioned it or you have forgotten it.

I must be honest, it took me a few years to learn that what I do matters, what I have matters and who I am matters.

In Growing Confident, I do apologise if I mention it too much – it is my baby! In here I share my story with the world, I open myself up and tell the world who I was and who I became.

In Growing Confident (which I hope you have read, if not, what are you waiting for?), there are two chapters I am most excited and proud of, these are:

  • Telling your story to the world, and
  • Sharing your gift.

The essence of these two chapters is that it does not matter how small or big, you think you are (cos it is a thought either way!), you will always have a story to tell, inspire others with your greatness and awesomeness (cos we all are! Yes, you too are!).

Oftentimes we forget what we have undergone and fought against to be where we are, and at the same time, we forget that there are people out there (the world is a big place you know! – over 7 billion people – that makes it 14 billion eyes, a lot of teeth and hair!!!), these people whom we might or might not personally know could potentially be facing similar circumstances to those we once faced.

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So, why not share it?

I will tell you a brief story, which upset me and saddened me at the time.

Currently, I am working on a second book, this required me to interview various people from the LGBTQA Community, to my astonishment, a great percentage of the people I asked felt and thought they had nothing to share, their words were: I live a boring life, no one would be interested in…

Please, I beg of you, remove such thoughts from your head (or else I will go and physically remove them from there – and you do not want to see a passionate Latino gay guy in your head fighting your thoughts!!! My partner sees it every day. Bless him!).

You, your life, your work, everything about you matters.

Period!

So, my question to you is, are you telling your story to those around you and reaching the lives of those whom you are yet to meet?

There are endless means to accomplish this.

I, hand on heart, would love to hear your story and find how it can help me be and become a better person.

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Equally, what is your gift?

As mentioned, I thought I had nothing special that could separate me from the rest and worth sharing…

How wrong was I!

Yes, it took me a while to figure them out.

Yes, I had to take on some trainings.

Who cares?

I have skills and assets worth sharing with the world.

Because I chose to, now I know, that with my coaching I can coach clients to become confident and successful, and help them get their businesses to the next level; and with trainings in Reiki, NLP and EFT, I am able to transfer skills and knowledge that will benefit my students and their clients, everyone wins.

With my poems and writing I am able to impact my readers, with my cooking I feed my body, my partner and guests; with my charisma (yep, I am charismatic, even if I may say so) and humour, I touch peoples’ lives through laughter.

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I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on… (sorry I got a bit carried away).

Though, there isn’t any point if you don’t believe you have a story to tell or a gift to share.

If that is the case, what can you do to remove that unwanted, unuseful programming and very limited belief system.

Why not seek professional help?

I know this awesome coach and therapist who can help you.

Believe me, your future self will thank you for it.

Do not forget you are awesome, you are amazing and absolutely everything about you is important and matters.

Just believe in yourself.

I look forward to hearing your story and experiencing your gift in my life.

As always, leave comments, feedback welcome and till next time.

With all my love.

From my heart to yours,

 

Jorge

 

 

 

Why Do Poets Write Poetry?

Why Do Poets Write Poetry?

What poetry is your heart telling?

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From a very early age I have loved poetry and literature, though, I have to admit I am mostly inclined to say that poetry is my favourite.

As a good Latin boy (or man, the option is yours J), passion is a great part of my life, I am passionate about everything, it is a part of who I am, my identity.

I find that poetry touches me, and moves many emotions deep in me.

When I was growing up (I still am, at least hope to grow a little more), I had fewer friends than the average child/teenager, we just had different ideas and very little in common.

So, I found myself reading whatever I could get hold of, it served me in many ways, and to this date I still love reading, whether it is an article, a chapter of a good book, a short story, an essay or a poetry (oh poetry… what would this man’s life be without you, you sweet muse, my delightful muse).

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I have to be totally honest, I was very fortunate I had one of the best literature professors anyone could ever wish for at college, Mrs Matute was the best, because of her I fell in love with Latin America’s short literature and prose history.

At the age of 15, we were encouraged (though, some of my peers felt we were forced to!), to compile a list of 100 poems from our favourite poet, from the 18th century (oh, how wonderful I thought – I was a library mouse, still am!). Mrs Matute lived for her literature and she was able to inspire and pass that beautiful knowledge onto others (at least the willing ones, like myself).

Well, what can I say?

I felt compelled to write poetry.

I started writing poetry in my diary, I felt it was the easiest way to put on paper what I was feeling at the time. Though, to my amazement, I was not the only one, some of my closest friends at school too (the handful of friends I had J – it is not about the quantity you know!).

Now, I am able to see poetry and literature through a completely different filter, through the eyes of a coach and therapist.

So, when I look at a poem, I don’t just see some words or piece of art, I see a part of someone who put their feelings and emotions, opinions and ideas, likes and dislikes, for eternity, for everyone to see, and see life through their eyes, through their filters.

I, personally, have found poetry and literature rather therapeutic and healing.

When, I put my thoughts and ideas on paper, I feel lighter, there is a mental release, and whatever has troubled me seems to vanish either for good or at least momentarily.

Then, when I visit those poems or writing, or pieces of me on writing I am able to assess and determine what was going through my mind at the time.

Based on what I have said so far, I would say that poets write poetry, not only because they love life and poetry, but because they feel the urge and need to release a demon deep inside of them, that speaks to them in verse rather than in words, just like an artist paints on a canvas what they see in their mind’s eye.

A poet puts on paper what is in his heart, what is buried deep in his soul and by bringing it to the surface, i.e. the paper of the computer screen, he releases it and able to rest.

Writing poetry is not difficult, on the contrary it is so simple, there are no rules, the only rule is that you empty what is inside of you, your love, your inspiration, a part of you; other than anything goes, anything, you set the bar and put the limits.

In my few years on this planet I have written hundreds of poems, sadly some of them lasted momentarily, the emotions attached to them were far too great to keep; however, those that reminded me of the fun, joy and love I have experienced so far, are still with us.

If you are curious and would like to read my poetry you can find some of my poems on my ebook Soul Poems, From My Heart To Yours available on Amazon, and Growing Confident, 10 Simple Steps To A More Confident You available on DragonRising.com, check them out, I have written them with all my love.

So, what I am really getting at here is, whenever you feel excited, sad, in love, inspired put it on paper, write a poem, write something about whatever is going in your head and bring it to live, materialise it and allow that process to be completed and healed.

An idea on paper, a feeling on paper is much better than something that is constantly lurking on our heads and keeping us trapped and depending on it.

I highly encourage you to give it and go, and if you feel brave, whether it is a book or poems, have them published, share them with the world.

I will explore this in more detail tomorrow, sharing your story and gift with the world (I speak of these two subjects in more detail on Growing Confident).

Do it, your future self with thank you and, you never know whose life you might positively impact as a direct result.

Till tomorrow.

With all my love.

From my heart to yours,

 

Jorge

Why do people (and Bob Geldof?) “Not Like” or hate Mondays”?

Why do people (and Bob Geldof?) “Not Like” or hate Mondays”?

Why?

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For as long as I can remember, I have recollections of people “cursing”, both metaphorically and literally speaking, Mondays, I never quite understood why and, truth be told I do not know or “get” why, as yet!

My experiences with Mondays have always been sooo different, compared to what other people have shared with me in past.

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Those who know me (I hope you get to know me too!) cannot understand why I, on the other hand, looooove my Mondays.

I see Mondays as a new beginning, new opportunities have been granted to us and we are able to “regain” control over our affairs.

After a couple of days off, i.e. Saturday and Sunday, it can be a challenge and quite difficult to bring oneself back to that mindset of getting things done and getting our priorities right!

Though, when you look forward to starting a new chapter in your month or year, Mondays have the potential to become our best allies. When you look forward to a new week and by that I mean, Monday, you become excitable, hopeful and inspired to take action and, have a great week.

It is not uncommon to hear people doing a countdown to their weekend, almost as if they were running away from their week or themselves; sadly, it is a different story altogether, when it comes to a Monday.

I start to wonder, if people were more “open minded” about Mondays and what they have to offer, would they be welcoming more opportunities and a new approach to the week ahead?

Continuing on what we talked about yesterday, language and communication, when we vocalise we “hate” Mondays, we wish it still was the weekend, or beg for one more day; is it fair to say we are setting ourselves for failure?

Think about it? If you have to do something you “hate”, you are not going to enjoy, no matter what.

But, if you looooove what you are going to be doing, if you are welcoming it into your life and you are excited, the results well, they will speak for themselves.

I truly hope you have found this brief and short blog of some use to you.

Try it, in fact do it, next Monday, I invite you to be excited about and notice the difference it creates in your week and who knows maybe even your life.

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Till next time (which is tomorrow BTW).

With all my love.

From my heart to yours,

 

Jorge

 

PS, as always feel free to comment, share and give any feedback J

 

Is Communication More Important Than Language?

Is communication more important than language?

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Today is the last day of a NLP Practitioner training I am delivering here in Southampton, England.

As a trainer of NLP and various other modalities, and as a Coach and Therapist I am particularly interested and fascinated by communication and language.

Before I fully go into this blog, I want to take the opportunity to say that effective communication is much more than speaking properly and using the best words to describe any given situation. English isn’t my first language, yet it hasn’t stopped me from communicating effectively nor has it been the reason why I might have miscommunicated in the past.

That having been said (deep sigh!), I can start this blog.

In NLP we have some “mantras” or sayings which we call The Presuppositions of NLP. What this means is we take them and treat them as law to enable us to look at things and situations from a different light.

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There are two of these presuppositions that come to mind:

  1. The meaning of communication is the response you get, and
  2. You cannot not communicate.

You see, they might seem quite cryptic and almost have no meaning; though, when you break them down their meaning or core message is so powerful.

If we take the first one, the meaning of communication is the response we get.

I invite you to revisit a past event where you had a conversation with someone (anyone would do nicely BTW), and that conversation went wrong, totally pear-shaped!

What went wrong?

What did you do?

What did you say?

How did you say it?

I am not accusing you of anything, I promise! (Or am I?)

By asking this questions what I am aiming for you to do is to start noticing how there are many elements involved at the time we communicate with other people.

Things like, the time of the day, the time of the month, our current state, our financial situation, whether we are hungry or in a hurry; these factors can influence the how we come across to others, this then is transferred to our physiology (some people call this body language!), the tempo and speed of our voice, and at times they can have a direct or indirect impact in the choice of the words we use at the time.

If we take, for example, “body language” (I am sorry, I am laughing at this moment – I built this image of headless bodies running around talking and doing their day-to-day tasks), we can then see how the use of our height, hands, feet can play a huge role when we speak to others, we may come across as friendly or unfriendly, as an ally or as a threat.

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It has been said in the past that 55% of our communication is that non-verbal “stuff” we say or don’t say when we have a conversation with colleagues, friends or children. The rest, 38% is how we say things and only 7% relates to the words we use (choose to use really!).

These 3 things should be aligned and in congruency when we speak, so the words we say should match how we speak them and what our bodies are saying too.

To illustrate this, just imagine having a conversation with a child asking him or her, have you washed your hands? And, they respond by say yes, nodding negatively and their hands are covered in dirt? Would you be satisfied with that answer, when their bodies don’t match what has been said?

Looking at the other presupposition, you cannot not communicate (a double negative, oh dear! – BTW I don’t think we have these in Spanish! – phew), what this is really telling us is We Are Always Communicating, whether we want it or not – even in our sleep.

So, now let’s look at the linguistic side of communication.

We are very familiar with phrases like “negative self-talk”, “positive language”, “clean language”, “sexy language” – aka, dirty language (sorry, I couldn’t resist) and, we also have what we call “ecological language” in NLP (this means how the language used can have an impact in our environment, both internal and external).

Language is much more than words and sentences succinctly and beautifully put together, it is much more than the artful skills we have been told people like Shakespeare, Wordsworth and many others possessed in the olden days.

To me, and let me clarify it, this is my bias; language is how we make people feel, how we make ourselves feel.

If we use negative language and negative words, there is a change in our psychology and mindset, even in our physiology, it disempowers us and, can take us down a path we might wish we never visited.

On the other hand, when the language we choose to use is positive (did I mention that we have the choice?), the results, well, are obvious, these words are healing, empowering, energetic, heartfelt and they will have the potential to transform lives, create results and move us towards our final destination, happiness (The Promised Land!), or whatever goal/outcome we are working towards.

If, to what we just touched on, we add action, planning and dedication; we will have a winning formula to accomplish whatever we set our minds to. The LoA (aka Law of Attraction) would be many times more effective because the use of our language fuels and inspires our biggest asset, our brain.

Positive language, positive self-talk can most certainly drive our psychology to get the results we want in our lives.

So, I wonder, if I may ask, how is your language impacting your life and the lives of those you meet? How is your language affecting your outcomes and goals, and whether to take action or not?

I am curious to know, please feel to share with me if you can. You can comment below or send me a pm or email (oh, and don’t forget to share J).

Till next time, BTW, feel free to suggest what topics you would like me to cover, if I am able and it is a subject I am knowledgeable about, I would be delighted to give my (biased) opinion.

With all my love.

From my heart to yours,

 

Jorge

 

PS, email me on jorge@lifecoachsouthampton.co.uk if you wish to share how your language is affecting your outcomes or how it has affected your outcomes.